I received this email from a recruiter in regards to a TEMPORARY 1.5 month short term position.
"Offers for employment with *** are contingent based on results of the following: *Criminal History Check (federal/state/local) last 7 years *Credit Check cannot have “3” or more accounts past due totaling 3K or more. Example, if you have one past due account in the amount of 50K, or two in the amount of 100K, you will pass. If you have three accounts with more than 3K past due, you will not pass. *Education Verification –highest level completed *Employment Verification – last 7 years *Drug Screening (Hair tests for all employees, Urine tests will be offered in states where Hair testing is illegal – Maine, Hawaii + Iowa). *SSN Verification* *Denied Parties Check List*"
While I know I will pass this background check, I am disgusted that these jobs even have the gall to tell potential employees that if their credit is messed up, they may be out of a job. It is a never ending cycle. The better paying jobs typically do a background and credit check, and if one is qualified but has bad credit, well it sucks to be him or her now, doesn't it? This hypothetical person who is qualified but has bad credit will have to settle for a job paying less money a year. Let's just hope said person can pay their bills, which--if they cannot--will mess up their credit even further. Get the gist?
I believe this practice should be illegal and I am definitely going to write my congressman and everyone above him about this matter. With the economy the way it is, credit checks should not be a determining factor for whether a man or woman (or he/she for that matter) is deemed "hireable". Credit check for a house, car, or credit card? Maybe. Credit check for a job? No.
I will be writing a congressman and anyone above this congressman about this crap, because it is ridiculous. I urge anyone who agrees to follow suit.
~
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The sex section is shrinking...
About two weeks ago, I ventured into Barnes & Nobles--my favorite hang out spot--in search of some good literature on two of my favorite subjects: slavery/freedom and sex. While I was not disappointed in the History section which had tons of literature on slavery world wide, I was disappointed in their sex section: one shelf, about 30 books, and lots of bare shelf space.
I just knew I was mistaken, and went to a B&N worker to further inquire about the sex section, only to discover that the singular shelf was all Barnes & Nobles "wrote" in terms of the Sexuality section. In other words, that was it. Not only was the Sexuality section only one shelf, but only the front section was filled. The backside of the shelf focused on Sex Addiction.
I'm not sure if it is because I am originally from a more liberal state--Washington--or if it is because Barnes & Nobles has just cut down on the amount of books in their sex section, but I was highly annoyed and disappointed. My disappointment led me to look at what they had available, and the book "The Kosher Sutra" caught my attention.
Having read and been impressed with "Kosher Sex," and being a Christian of sorts, I could not wait to see what the Rabbi had to say about sex and possibly about Kama Sutra practices or Tantric Sex, two sexual ideologies I wished to be more learned in. To my dismay, there was only 1 chapter in the book that differed from the ideas of its predecessor. This chapter discussed how Kabballah and Eastern religions viewed sex based on the connection of the individuals and also the worship of the female body and mind during sex as opposed to its western counterparts version of sex which focused on a more genital sexual experience.
Just as the Eastern religions recognize and worship the feminine in their religious practices, in sex the male should submit himself to and almost worship the more feminine part of sex: foreplay, prolonged desire, teasing, connection and most importantly, that sex for the woman begins in her mind. To miss out on these aspects is to miss out on giving the woman true pleasure. Rabbi Schmuley touches on Tantric Sexual Practices, suggesting that couples tease and arouse each other over a prolonged period of time instead of going from foreplay to sex in one session. Desire deferred makes for better sex for both parties in the long run, according to Schmuley. While the above information and chapter very informative, I found myself returning this book a day or two later. I thought to myself "the other chapters were a repeat of 'Kosher Sex.'"
I would suggest buying this book at a discount or checking it out at the library until a decision is made about whether the book is worth the buy. The hard copy is more expensive, and unfortunately the only version of the book that I've seen available. You can buy the book at a discounted price at websites like (www.amazon.com).
I just knew I was mistaken, and went to a B&N worker to further inquire about the sex section, only to discover that the singular shelf was all Barnes & Nobles "wrote" in terms of the Sexuality section. In other words, that was it. Not only was the Sexuality section only one shelf, but only the front section was filled. The backside of the shelf focused on Sex Addiction.
I'm not sure if it is because I am originally from a more liberal state--Washington--or if it is because Barnes & Nobles has just cut down on the amount of books in their sex section, but I was highly annoyed and disappointed. My disappointment led me to look at what they had available, and the book "The Kosher Sutra" caught my attention.
Having read and been impressed with "Kosher Sex," and being a Christian of sorts, I could not wait to see what the Rabbi had to say about sex and possibly about Kama Sutra practices or Tantric Sex, two sexual ideologies I wished to be more learned in. To my dismay, there was only 1 chapter in the book that differed from the ideas of its predecessor. This chapter discussed how Kabballah and Eastern religions viewed sex based on the connection of the individuals and also the worship of the female body and mind during sex as opposed to its western counterparts version of sex which focused on a more genital sexual experience.
Just as the Eastern religions recognize and worship the feminine in their religious practices, in sex the male should submit himself to and almost worship the more feminine part of sex: foreplay, prolonged desire, teasing, connection and most importantly, that sex for the woman begins in her mind. To miss out on these aspects is to miss out on giving the woman true pleasure. Rabbi Schmuley touches on Tantric Sexual Practices, suggesting that couples tease and arouse each other over a prolonged period of time instead of going from foreplay to sex in one session. Desire deferred makes for better sex for both parties in the long run, according to Schmuley. While the above information and chapter very informative, I found myself returning this book a day or two later. I thought to myself "the other chapters were a repeat of 'Kosher Sex.'"
I would suggest buying this book at a discount or checking it out at the library until a decision is made about whether the book is worth the buy. The hard copy is more expensive, and unfortunately the only version of the book that I've seen available. You can buy the book at a discounted price at websites like (www.amazon.com).
New Years Resolutions
Yes, yes I know...the person who said she would never make resolutions is making some, but mine are simple. This year, I feel, will be based on balance and peace. I will continue to work on the following things:
finding the balance in all things
not being judgmental
working on health
decreasing chaos and increasing peace
not taking on more than my body, mind, or spirit can bear.
I was guilty of saying "yes" when I meant no. When someone wanted me to call them, wanted me to lend a listening ear, in the past I would say yes out of a sense of obligation. For the past few months, I have cut this practice out. Quite frankly, sometimes listening to peoples issues is stressful, especially if their lives are full of stress, chaos, or repetitive cycles and there is no GROWTH. Listening to it, whether I realized it or not, took a toll on my mind and spirit. This New Year, I will continue to guard my spirit and mind. If I don't do it, no one else will.
I have been becoming a fan of balance. This past year, I realized that there is much more to life than marriage. Being single AND alone (because you can be single, but not alone) is OK. I have heard some extremes in the past few months: that marriage is a thing of the flesh, that men are evil, that there is nothing to live for. I do not agree with any of these thoughts. Marriage is a blessing from God, men can be beautiful depending on their upbringing and will to be good men, and life is what you MAKE IT! I am at a place where I don't have patience for extreme views or negativity. It weighs down my spirit.
Wisdom, silence, and peace have also been key for me. I want to set the record straight for many of you I haven't called in awhile. For me, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I really don't have much to say. It is nothing personal at all. I am just listening more and speaking less, and depending on what is being said, I may not want to listen.
Of course my health is important. My blood pressure has gone down, and I will be doing my best to work out and continue eating good foods for my body. With friends and support like T and S, this will not be hard to keep up.
I am also realizing that so much of life is about the choices we make, and that no matter how good and well intentioned my advice may be, it does not mean that it will be received or that people will act on the advice given. Sometimes good advice falls on deaf ears. I refuse to repeat myself this year. For this reason I am convinced that my cell phone being off was a blessing in disguise.
All in all, I am excited for this new year, what it brings. God is WONDERFUL and BALANCED! I seek daily to become more like Him.
Happy New Year!
finding the balance in all things
not being judgmental
working on health
decreasing chaos and increasing peace
not taking on more than my body, mind, or spirit can bear.
I was guilty of saying "yes" when I meant no. When someone wanted me to call them, wanted me to lend a listening ear, in the past I would say yes out of a sense of obligation. For the past few months, I have cut this practice out. Quite frankly, sometimes listening to peoples issues is stressful, especially if their lives are full of stress, chaos, or repetitive cycles and there is no GROWTH. Listening to it, whether I realized it or not, took a toll on my mind and spirit. This New Year, I will continue to guard my spirit and mind. If I don't do it, no one else will.
I have been becoming a fan of balance. This past year, I realized that there is much more to life than marriage. Being single AND alone (because you can be single, but not alone) is OK. I have heard some extremes in the past few months: that marriage is a thing of the flesh, that men are evil, that there is nothing to live for. I do not agree with any of these thoughts. Marriage is a blessing from God, men can be beautiful depending on their upbringing and will to be good men, and life is what you MAKE IT! I am at a place where I don't have patience for extreme views or negativity. It weighs down my spirit.
Wisdom, silence, and peace have also been key for me. I want to set the record straight for many of you I haven't called in awhile. For me, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I really don't have much to say. It is nothing personal at all. I am just listening more and speaking less, and depending on what is being said, I may not want to listen.
Of course my health is important. My blood pressure has gone down, and I will be doing my best to work out and continue eating good foods for my body. With friends and support like T and S, this will not be hard to keep up.
I am also realizing that so much of life is about the choices we make, and that no matter how good and well intentioned my advice may be, it does not mean that it will be received or that people will act on the advice given. Sometimes good advice falls on deaf ears. I refuse to repeat myself this year. For this reason I am convinced that my cell phone being off was a blessing in disguise.
All in all, I am excited for this new year, what it brings. God is WONDERFUL and BALANCED! I seek daily to become more like Him.
Happy New Year!
Independence day
I've got this blog under "Parties and Nightlife" for a reason. I went to the most amazing party yesterday. I'm sure, when one thinks of me--young, piercings, crazy as hell--that one thinks of some sort of lounge mixer shindig; but really that is far from the sort of party I went to.
Last night, I hung out with a friend of my mom's, Suzanne, and her friends. Suzanne is an American citizen, but has deep Irish roots. She is by far one of the sweetest, most giving people I know. She reminds me of a sweet Irish mom or grandmother, always seeking to give and feed and care for. Her house is amazing, and--according to my sister--could easily sell for over a million dollars. It's a beautiful house, tucked away on a hill, hidden from society, cottage-esque. The insides are beautiful, rich, earthy colors: dark green walls, dark cherry wood flooring, white trimm to make the green walls pop, Irish family tree, little Gaelic sayings posted throughout the house. It almost feels like in Hobbiton in a strange way. It's like having Ireland in the United States everytime I go over there. I've decided to make 4th of July at Suzannes' my tradition.
Suzanne is a beautiful lady with childlike innocence. Deeply Irish Catholic, loving as all hell. I have her to thank for my obsession with all things Disney. I told her that we needed to take a trip to Disneyland one of these days, and she smiled. I could not stop hugging her all evening. Thinking about her, and the feeling in that house, brings tears to my eyes, proof of an attachment deeper than words can express.
What I love the most about her parties is that there are classy but laid back people who attend. Her parties consists of few people--about 10 this year, which is HUGE--from all different walks of life, but all well off and/or successful. Last night, I met Bubbleman (http://www.bubbleman.com/). He used to be a breathing therapist, a physical therapist, a teacher; and then he found his true calling making bubbles and smiles and sharing proper breathing techniques throughout. We shared stories, laughs, music, and jokes all evening. He also gave me a beautiful, yet very deep tip: "you're an artist, so find your craft and start living it." He is a big believer in not going with the status quo, finding the true gifts and callings, and living life to the fullest. I'm there.
God has me sitting and resting right now. I really feel as if He is wanting me to sit still, be content in my current situation, and wait for His timing on the dreams he has put inside of me, waiting for direction. I'm doing a lot of self discovery, though some of the discovery I will say is probably not what He's had in mind. I have not been on my best behavior as of late. It's amazing, God still chooses to use me, drawing all people to him through me. Bubbleman was one, another woman at the party sat next to me and we ended up talking about God, religion, and the balance needed when trying to understand both. Another sweet man was there and bonded with me right away. His accent told me that he was from Ireland (and he was). He sat with me too, sharing some stories, making me Pimm's (drink popular in Ireland and England), sharing his wisdom and culture with us. Toward the end of the evening he said "you'll make it over there soon" and winked at me. I smiled.
It was a simple, yet beautiful evening. I shared a beautiful, yet tasteful, nude that I'd taken of myself with the women (including my mother) who all thought it was beautiful. It's a sideview of me, no aereola showing, just side curves. I eventually want to have it painted. The view yeilded at least three different firework shows as we all sat out on the porch, laughing, drinking, talking and eating. Bubbleman and I sat, oo-ing and aaa-ing at all the beautiful colors. He is a man, completely straight, who loves rich, vibrant colors: the reds, pinks, blues, greens and all the in betweens. He is an artist in a different way and a nomad--he's been all over the world--and we vibed because of it. From our corner, all you could hear were high fives, laughter, snickering at the inside jokes, and him joking about how I must have the whole world in my phone with how often I text (lol).
I was the youngest person there, and yet my age was not important. I was around people who were on my level--cultured, globe trotters, adventurers, world conscious--all succesful in their own way, which might be telling of my own future success(?). I was at home. Not a one of them cared for Bush, which I thought was funny due to the fact that most people associate rich white people with ultra-conservative political views. My being the only black dot (at first) was never an issue, due to the fact that I didn't allow it to be. I came in, sat by myself at first--all smiles, peace, and laughter--comfortable in my own skin.
Feelings of inferiority around other races or cultures is in large part due to the individuals problem and not the onlookers. One is only inferior when one allows others to make one feel inferior. I live by this, and where most of my people would come into a place where they are the only black dot and would feel a little "squeemish," I waltz in like I'm right at home and sit in my corner, completely comfortable with myself; which--in turn--draws people in. Suzanne made a comment: "that girl is at home where-ever she rests. She reminds me of my father." What I do owe to my own father is that he never allowed his children to feel inferior around other races of people or my own. He also brought home an international flare, constantly watching cricket and other sports atypical of our own American sports. My not allowing others to make me feel inferior is something I find intrigues even the most racist person, and can make my own people deal with their insecurities and misjudge me as a snob, which I've become comfortable with over the years. At this party, maybe I should have been uncomfortable, being the only black dot for awhile. I wasn't. Where-ever God is, I'm home, and He dwells in me.
Toward the end of the evening, we all said our goodbyes--with a few people telling me that I need to visit their homes, which I will definitely consider--and helped Suzanne clean up. I took one last walk around the house, saying my goodbyes to it, and left, regretfully. I can't wait for next year.
~
Last night, I hung out with a friend of my mom's, Suzanne, and her friends. Suzanne is an American citizen, but has deep Irish roots. She is by far one of the sweetest, most giving people I know. She reminds me of a sweet Irish mom or grandmother, always seeking to give and feed and care for. Her house is amazing, and--according to my sister--could easily sell for over a million dollars. It's a beautiful house, tucked away on a hill, hidden from society, cottage-esque. The insides are beautiful, rich, earthy colors: dark green walls, dark cherry wood flooring, white trimm to make the green walls pop, Irish family tree, little Gaelic sayings posted throughout the house. It almost feels like in Hobbiton in a strange way. It's like having Ireland in the United States everytime I go over there. I've decided to make 4th of July at Suzannes' my tradition.
Suzanne is a beautiful lady with childlike innocence. Deeply Irish Catholic, loving as all hell. I have her to thank for my obsession with all things Disney. I told her that we needed to take a trip to Disneyland one of these days, and she smiled. I could not stop hugging her all evening. Thinking about her, and the feeling in that house, brings tears to my eyes, proof of an attachment deeper than words can express.
What I love the most about her parties is that there are classy but laid back people who attend. Her parties consists of few people--about 10 this year, which is HUGE--from all different walks of life, but all well off and/or successful. Last night, I met Bubbleman (http://www.bubbleman.com/). He used to be a breathing therapist, a physical therapist, a teacher; and then he found his true calling making bubbles and smiles and sharing proper breathing techniques throughout. We shared stories, laughs, music, and jokes all evening. He also gave me a beautiful, yet very deep tip: "you're an artist, so find your craft and start living it." He is a big believer in not going with the status quo, finding the true gifts and callings, and living life to the fullest. I'm there.
God has me sitting and resting right now. I really feel as if He is wanting me to sit still, be content in my current situation, and wait for His timing on the dreams he has put inside of me, waiting for direction. I'm doing a lot of self discovery, though some of the discovery I will say is probably not what He's had in mind. I have not been on my best behavior as of late. It's amazing, God still chooses to use me, drawing all people to him through me. Bubbleman was one, another woman at the party sat next to me and we ended up talking about God, religion, and the balance needed when trying to understand both. Another sweet man was there and bonded with me right away. His accent told me that he was from Ireland (and he was). He sat with me too, sharing some stories, making me Pimm's (drink popular in Ireland and England), sharing his wisdom and culture with us. Toward the end of the evening he said "you'll make it over there soon" and winked at me. I smiled.
It was a simple, yet beautiful evening. I shared a beautiful, yet tasteful, nude that I'd taken of myself with the women (including my mother) who all thought it was beautiful. It's a sideview of me, no aereola showing, just side curves. I eventually want to have it painted. The view yeilded at least three different firework shows as we all sat out on the porch, laughing, drinking, talking and eating. Bubbleman and I sat, oo-ing and aaa-ing at all the beautiful colors. He is a man, completely straight, who loves rich, vibrant colors: the reds, pinks, blues, greens and all the in betweens. He is an artist in a different way and a nomad--he's been all over the world--and we vibed because of it. From our corner, all you could hear were high fives, laughter, snickering at the inside jokes, and him joking about how I must have the whole world in my phone with how often I text (lol).
I was the youngest person there, and yet my age was not important. I was around people who were on my level--cultured, globe trotters, adventurers, world conscious--all succesful in their own way, which might be telling of my own future success(?). I was at home. Not a one of them cared for Bush, which I thought was funny due to the fact that most people associate rich white people with ultra-conservative political views. My being the only black dot (at first) was never an issue, due to the fact that I didn't allow it to be. I came in, sat by myself at first--all smiles, peace, and laughter--comfortable in my own skin.
Feelings of inferiority around other races or cultures is in large part due to the individuals problem and not the onlookers. One is only inferior when one allows others to make one feel inferior. I live by this, and where most of my people would come into a place where they are the only black dot and would feel a little "squeemish," I waltz in like I'm right at home and sit in my corner, completely comfortable with myself; which--in turn--draws people in. Suzanne made a comment: "that girl is at home where-ever she rests. She reminds me of my father." What I do owe to my own father is that he never allowed his children to feel inferior around other races of people or my own. He also brought home an international flare, constantly watching cricket and other sports atypical of our own American sports. My not allowing others to make me feel inferior is something I find intrigues even the most racist person, and can make my own people deal with their insecurities and misjudge me as a snob, which I've become comfortable with over the years. At this party, maybe I should have been uncomfortable, being the only black dot for awhile. I wasn't. Where-ever God is, I'm home, and He dwells in me.
Toward the end of the evening, we all said our goodbyes--with a few people telling me that I need to visit their homes, which I will definitely consider--and helped Suzanne clean up. I took one last walk around the house, saying my goodbyes to it, and left, regretfully. I can't wait for next year.
~
Friendship
Friend. What an interesting word. The dictionary has its definition:
"friend /frɛnd/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [frend] Show IPA
–noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker."
Even though the dictionary defines what a friend is, it does not give any instructions on the supposed duties or obligations of a friend. What should and shouldn't a friend do for another friend? What are the duties and expectations of a friend? Are there limits? And if so, what are they? How often should a friend make oneself available?
The dictionary has a very broad definition of what a friend is. I am finding in life, that each of us has our own definition of what a friend is and how they should respond to us. I am realizing, because of this, I may not be considered a good friend.
I do not say this in order to condemn myself, only that while I may be considered an above average friend to some, there may be others who would NOT consider me a good friend. I speak about my availability--or lack of--to the public.
A few months ago, I had a friend who wanted to talk and catch up. We hadn't spoken in months, although I'd emailed. I did not have any particular desire to talk on the phone at the time, not for any personal reasons: I just did not have much to say. Soon after, this same friend ended our friendship. I was not surprised or offended. In many ways, I understood: Maybe I did not fit her definition of and conditions for friendship. Maybe for this individual, not talking on the phone was unacceptable; or maybe emails were not considered a preferred form of communication. Whatever the case may be, I realized then, that to some people--depending on their definition of friendship--may or may not consider me a good friend. This situation, and many others, has made me aware of the fact that each person has a different definition of what a friendship should be.
That being said, I realized some things about myself. Though I display a very social exterior, I can be quite anti-social. As a matter of fact, I am more of a lone wolf type who has her social moments. It just happens that my social moments are so bright, intense and bubbly that people mistake me for a social butterfly. I am quite the opposite. When I went to grade school in Seattle, I had very few friends. L.M. was my closest friend then. When I moved from Seattle to Renton, I had one or two very close friends, A.D. remaining my closest contact and friend all through grade, junior and high school, and S.G. being another. I never hung out with one particular group and most preferred being in my own company.
In college, this same pattern or trend continued. I had a few close friends but preferred solitude, peace and quite over the busyness and drama of college life. I had my social moments, attracting all types of people to me, but remained the same "Lone Ranger" type for the most part. There were those who mistook my silence and need for solitude for snobbery. I ate breakfast, lunch, or dinner alone; I would go for walks alone, not answer my phone, disappear at random moments, skip out on brother/sister wing activities, etc,. W.A. would often tell me that I was ANTI SOCIAL and I would laugh it off partially because I was amused and also because I wasn't sure why choosing not to be social at all times was considered a bad thing.
As the years have gone on, I have come to accept these things about myself, embracing them. Some have allowed themselves to become offended by my actions. Those who have taken offense to my style of friendship have--in their absence--encouraged me to explore the concept of friendship in a deeper way.
I believe it is beneficial for people who are considering or in friendships to discuss what they expect and need in a friendship with each other. Define what friendship is with each other. With the one friend I've lost, maybe this should have happened in the beginning; however, I thought we both had an understanding and did not deem it necessary. Maybe I was wrong there. Since then, I have decided that if I do make friends or have friends, that I MUST allow people to know how I am: that I desire space, my own time, may not always be available but do not seek to offend. I am just me. THIS is me.
What happens if two people have different definitions of what a friend or friendship should be? I believe a friendship is still possible, although the intensity of the friendship may have to change. One or both sides may have to drop expectations and/or just accept the other person as he or she is. The focus should always be peace. DO NOT seek to change or break the other person of their ways or habits.
One of my most treasured friendships is the relationship I have with a person who I will refer to as “Gill“. We have been friends since Junior High and have always had an understanding. In the beginning of our friendship, we wrote letters and hung out quite often. When we transitioned to high school, we didn't have a lot of classes in common, did not talk as often as we did in Junior High, but our strong bond remained. Now, we may talk every few MONTHS, but when we do catch up, we pick up where we left off. There is no need to explain why a text or call wasn’t returned: we have an understanding. It has never been complicated with us. I would consider her one of my best friends, and I'm sure the same is true for me regardless of the distance and lack of communication we have between ourselves. Our definition of what a friend is and what a friendship requires is nearly the same and so it works for us.
This is true for friendships and relationships. It is very important for two people to be on the same page in regards to what they require in that relationship. I strongly believe that even if two people have different beliefs on what defines a healthy friendship or relationship, that these two people can meet in the middle and find something that works.
Am I a bad friend? I could quite possibly be considered one. It just depends...
"friend /frɛnd/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [frend] Show IPA
–noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker."
Even though the dictionary defines what a friend is, it does not give any instructions on the supposed duties or obligations of a friend. What should and shouldn't a friend do for another friend? What are the duties and expectations of a friend? Are there limits? And if so, what are they? How often should a friend make oneself available?
The dictionary has a very broad definition of what a friend is. I am finding in life, that each of us has our own definition of what a friend is and how they should respond to us. I am realizing, because of this, I may not be considered a good friend.
I do not say this in order to condemn myself, only that while I may be considered an above average friend to some, there may be others who would NOT consider me a good friend. I speak about my availability--or lack of--to the public.
A few months ago, I had a friend who wanted to talk and catch up. We hadn't spoken in months, although I'd emailed. I did not have any particular desire to talk on the phone at the time, not for any personal reasons: I just did not have much to say. Soon after, this same friend ended our friendship. I was not surprised or offended. In many ways, I understood: Maybe I did not fit her definition of and conditions for friendship. Maybe for this individual, not talking on the phone was unacceptable; or maybe emails were not considered a preferred form of communication. Whatever the case may be, I realized then, that to some people--depending on their definition of friendship--may or may not consider me a good friend. This situation, and many others, has made me aware of the fact that each person has a different definition of what a friendship should be.
That being said, I realized some things about myself. Though I display a very social exterior, I can be quite anti-social. As a matter of fact, I am more of a lone wolf type who has her social moments. It just happens that my social moments are so bright, intense and bubbly that people mistake me for a social butterfly. I am quite the opposite. When I went to grade school in Seattle, I had very few friends. L.M. was my closest friend then. When I moved from Seattle to Renton, I had one or two very close friends, A.D. remaining my closest contact and friend all through grade, junior and high school, and S.G. being another. I never hung out with one particular group and most preferred being in my own company.
In college, this same pattern or trend continued. I had a few close friends but preferred solitude, peace and quite over the busyness and drama of college life. I had my social moments, attracting all types of people to me, but remained the same "Lone Ranger" type for the most part. There were those who mistook my silence and need for solitude for snobbery. I ate breakfast, lunch, or dinner alone; I would go for walks alone, not answer my phone, disappear at random moments, skip out on brother/sister wing activities, etc,. W.A. would often tell me that I was ANTI SOCIAL and I would laugh it off partially because I was amused and also because I wasn't sure why choosing not to be social at all times was considered a bad thing.
As the years have gone on, I have come to accept these things about myself, embracing them. Some have allowed themselves to become offended by my actions. Those who have taken offense to my style of friendship have--in their absence--encouraged me to explore the concept of friendship in a deeper way.
I believe it is beneficial for people who are considering or in friendships to discuss what they expect and need in a friendship with each other. Define what friendship is with each other. With the one friend I've lost, maybe this should have happened in the beginning; however, I thought we both had an understanding and did not deem it necessary. Maybe I was wrong there. Since then, I have decided that if I do make friends or have friends, that I MUST allow people to know how I am: that I desire space, my own time, may not always be available but do not seek to offend. I am just me. THIS is me.
What happens if two people have different definitions of what a friend or friendship should be? I believe a friendship is still possible, although the intensity of the friendship may have to change. One or both sides may have to drop expectations and/or just accept the other person as he or she is. The focus should always be peace. DO NOT seek to change or break the other person of their ways or habits.
One of my most treasured friendships is the relationship I have with a person who I will refer to as “Gill“. We have been friends since Junior High and have always had an understanding. In the beginning of our friendship, we wrote letters and hung out quite often. When we transitioned to high school, we didn't have a lot of classes in common, did not talk as often as we did in Junior High, but our strong bond remained. Now, we may talk every few MONTHS, but when we do catch up, we pick up where we left off. There is no need to explain why a text or call wasn’t returned: we have an understanding. It has never been complicated with us. I would consider her one of my best friends, and I'm sure the same is true for me regardless of the distance and lack of communication we have between ourselves. Our definition of what a friend is and what a friendship requires is nearly the same and so it works for us.
This is true for friendships and relationships. It is very important for two people to be on the same page in regards to what they require in that relationship. I strongly believe that even if two people have different beliefs on what defines a healthy friendship or relationship, that these two people can meet in the middle and find something that works.
Am I a bad friend? I could quite possibly be considered one. It just depends...
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