Bye bye sex toys...

After years of experiencing sex toys--some store bought and some being home devices--I have decided to throw away all of my self love toys! It was a hard decision, but something I had to do for me. As I write this blog, my hormones are raging; yet I must say that I support my decision to throw away all 4 or 5 of my toys. Something is completely sexy and even primitive about letting my hormones rage instead of giving them short term gratification with a piece of vibrating plastic. I swear to you, Audience, I even feel sexier with all this pent up sexual energy. Why did I do this to myself? Am I a glutton for punishment and sexual pain? Am I a sadomasochist punishing myself with vibrator abstinence? Not really.

It's been about 2 weeks............................................

Quite frankly, I got tired of the self induced orgasms (this coming from a woman who used to give herself 13 orgasms a day). It got old real quick. The process was the same, day in and day (or two) out: think a few dirty thoughts, get the toys out, experiment, buzz, thrust, orgasm, repeat cycle. Sometimes the dirty thoughts weren't even necessary (mainly because there was no one to think about). At the end of each session, I was left with this strange emptiness and longing.

After sitting, journaling, and thinking on the topic for awhile, I realized that this void I was feeling at the end of these masturbatory sessions was a longing for the human element I was trying to replicate with my dildos and vibrators: true, deep connection, something my toys could not offer me.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against masturbation. Unlike many in the church or the world, I do not demonize masturbation as something unnatural, sick, or immoral. I believe it is very human, something that--whether we all like it or not--all of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. For some children, masturbation starts as early as 2 or 3. Is that child less loved by God? I will let the church in all its religiousity deal with that one.

Masturbation does not promise me companionship or the end of that craving for love or true sexual fulfillment. Self love fulfills its purpose, holding me over until my next sexual craving or teaching me something new about my body; but masturbation does have the potential to leave the self lover with a craving for more, something deeper, more long term, and just plain REAL. For me, that particular longing is for companionship, relationship, sexual, emotional and even spiritual reciprocation. Isn't that what sex is supposed to be?

Yes.

When I read books on the Eastern view of sex, I read about a type of sex that is connection based first and physical last. I will be doing a review on a book called "Tantra" but in its pages is a representation of a type of sex that is so beautiful, so simple...something I believe is lacking in our fast food, microwave, one night stand culture. Sex, according to "Tantra" is about connecting on all levels--the spiritual, emotional, and physical level. It is about communication, or communion, on all levels, becoming one.

It is hard for me to feel "one-ness" with a piece of plastic in which I am in control, which brings me to my next reason for throwing the toys out: I am always in control.

Part of what makes sex so interesting is the unpredictability of it. One does not know what one's partner will do, how they will move, how they will react. It is all a beautiful mystery. No matter how spontaneous I try to make masturbating, it is still predictable because I am in control. Yawn.

In short, although my hormones are raging and I am minutes from humping my door, I am so glad to be done with the toys. Yes I have stepped into my share of adult stores with friends, but the desire to buy a toy for myself is non-existent. My soul, and yes, even my spirit--for those of you in the Christian crowd--cries out for something much deeper, much richer. Maybe this is exactly the place where the Creator wants me to be, no condemnation, no deep spiritual answer, just an acknowledgment that masturbation--at the end of the day--does not fulfill.

Interesting thought for the day: According to some Jews, if a male masturbates, he is breaking the law because he is wasting his seed as did Onan in the Old Testament or the Tanakh; however, female masturbation is neither smiled at nor frowned upon yet not expressly forbidden. Hmmmm.... For more information on THAT, please visit: www.jewfaq.org

~

What's REALLY going through your mind?

Dedicated: To all the real folks, who can admit that not all of their thoughts are pure and holy.

Restlessness. Love. Sex. Broken promises. Being led on for a year. Raw. Scorpio.
Emotional Chaos. Losing keys. Imbalance. Deep yearnings.
Finding Keys. Rejoicing. The hope of things coming together for the good.
Money. Cats. Stinking kitty litter. My favorite four legged stalkers laying outside my door. Flatulence.
Love. Making love. Wondering if anyone will ever truly reach the depths of my soul. The concept of a soul mate. Is it for everyone?
Learning. Spiritual growth. Sex. Sensual fantasies. My book(s). What tomorrow may bring. Tossing and turning.
Money. A new part-time job. How could he want marriage and babies for a year and do nothing?
Healing. Lack of great sex. Celibacy. Singleness. Determination. Throwing away sex toys = a very horny girl.
Tears of sadness. Peace. God collecting every one of my tears. Compassion.
Moving on and moving forward. Forgetting the past. Sadomasochism. Domination. Bedroom. Handcuffs.
Missing what could have been. Looking forward to what could be. Emotional confusion. Be real about the sexual being you are and stop hiding behind religion and the church: God knows and understands. Mercy. Liberation. Passion.
More tears, but a knowing that things will look up. Bills. Nosey family.

These are my thoughts.