Friendship

Friend. What an interesting word. The dictionary has its definition:

"friend /frɛnd/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [frend] Show IPA
–noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker."

Even though the dictionary defines what a friend is, it does not give any instructions on the supposed duties or obligations of a friend. What should and shouldn't a friend do for another friend? What are the duties and expectations of a friend? Are there limits? And if so, what are they? How often should a friend make oneself available?

The dictionary has a very broad definition of what a friend is. I am finding in life, that each of us has our own definition of what a friend is and how they should respond to us. I am realizing, because of this, I may not be considered a good friend.

I do not say this in order to condemn myself, only that while I may be considered an above average friend to some, there may be others who would NOT consider me a good friend. I speak about my availability--or lack of--to the public.

A few months ago, I had a friend who wanted to talk and catch up. We hadn't spoken in months, although I'd emailed. I did not have any particular desire to talk on the phone at the time, not for any personal reasons: I just did not have much to say. Soon after, this same friend ended our friendship. I was not surprised or offended. In many ways, I understood: Maybe I did not fit her definition of and conditions for friendship. Maybe for this individual, not talking on the phone was unacceptable; or maybe emails were not considered a preferred form of communication. Whatever the case may be, I realized then, that to some people--depending on their definition of friendship--may or may not consider me a good friend. This situation, and many others, has made me aware of the fact that each person has a different definition of what a friendship should be.

That being said, I realized some things about myself. Though I display a very social exterior, I can be quite anti-social. As a matter of fact, I am more of a lone wolf type who has her social moments. It just happens that my social moments are so bright, intense and bubbly that people mistake me for a social butterfly. I am quite the opposite. When I went to grade school in Seattle, I had very few friends. L.M. was my closest friend then. When I moved from Seattle to Renton, I had one or two very close friends, A.D. remaining my closest contact and friend all through grade, junior and high school, and S.G. being another. I never hung out with one particular group and most preferred being in my own company.

In college, this same pattern or trend continued. I had a few close friends but preferred solitude, peace and quite over the busyness and drama of college life. I had my social moments, attracting all types of people to me, but remained the same "Lone Ranger" type for the most part. There were those who mistook my silence and need for solitude for snobbery. I ate breakfast, lunch, or dinner alone; I would go for walks alone, not answer my phone, disappear at random moments, skip out on brother/sister wing activities, etc,. W.A. would often tell me that I was ANTI SOCIAL and I would laugh it off partially because I was amused and also because I wasn't sure why choosing not to be social at all times was considered a bad thing.

As the years have gone on, I have come to accept these things about myself, embracing them. Some have allowed themselves to become offended by my actions. Those who have taken offense to my style of friendship have--in their absence--encouraged me to explore the concept of friendship in a deeper way.

I believe it is beneficial for people who are considering or in friendships to discuss what they expect and need in a friendship with each other. Define what friendship is with each other. With the one friend I've lost, maybe this should have happened in the beginning; however, I thought we both had an understanding and did not deem it necessary. Maybe I was wrong there. Since then, I have decided that if I do make friends or have friends, that I MUST allow people to know how I am: that I desire space, my own time, may not always be available but do not seek to offend. I am just me. THIS is me.

What happens if two people have different definitions of what a friend or friendship should be? I believe a friendship is still possible, although the intensity of the friendship may have to change. One or both sides may have to drop expectations and/or just accept the other person as he or she is. The focus should always be peace. DO NOT seek to change or break the other person of their ways or habits.

One of my most treasured friendships is the relationship I have with a person who I will refer to as “Gill“. We have been friends since Junior High and have always had an understanding. In the beginning of our friendship, we wrote letters and hung out quite often. When we transitioned to high school, we didn't have a lot of classes in common, did not talk as often as we did in Junior High, but our strong bond remained. Now, we may talk every few MONTHS, but when we do catch up, we pick up where we left off. There is no need to explain why a text or call wasn’t returned: we have an understanding. It has never been complicated with us. I would consider her one of my best friends, and I'm sure the same is true for me regardless of the distance and lack of communication we have between ourselves. Our definition of what a friend is and what a friendship requires is nearly the same and so it works for us.

This is true for friendships and relationships. It is very important for two people to be on the same page in regards to what they require in that relationship. I strongly believe that even if two people have different beliefs on what defines a healthy friendship or relationship, that these two people can meet in the middle and find something that works.

Am I a bad friend? I could quite possibly be considered one. It just depends...