Who's going to answer the phone?

I don't know what it is, what's in the air, what's goin on; but the phone seems to be my enemy as of late. I am finding that I am not alone either. I shall explain.

I had a cell phone up until about 2 weeks ago. I was sad about getting the phone turned off, but now that the phone IS off, I could care less if I have a phone, let alone a cellular device. In all honestly, I do not have much to say.

My roomy--Tani Shulamit-- has a cell phone that has the most annoying ring on earth: some song from nasal a$$ Rhianna...the live your life song with the hideous yodeling at the beginning. Each time her phone rings, we both sneer at the phone, hiss at it. Sometimes I confess to growling at the phone, HER phone.

My other roomie--Jenn--also had to get rid of her phone. She's never been more peaceful.

Just this past weekend, Tani got a Vonage phone for the house. Sadly, none of us cares to answer the phone half the time. The phone rings, and we get irritated or angry, having to decide which of us is in the mood to pick up the phone.

Something is in the air.

I love to receive emails, comments, messages, but for the life of me I HATE talking on the phone. This coming from the woman who at one point held a 15.5 hour conversation in her phone hay-day.

I think--and tell me how true or false this is--what it comes down to is that drama is repetitive and old. What can one say to me on the phone that one cannot say through email? Same old same old, day in and day out. Simplify.

I wonder how the ladies and gentlemen of the 16th, 17th, and 18th century got along without telephones or cell phones for that matter? They wrote, right? Took days and sometimes weeks to get something through the post. How glorious, mysterious, sexy.

I feel as if the phone allows people to just yammer, hee and haw for hours over the same stuff, but that's just my opinion. I'd rather write.

Sometimes I look at my old cell phone and think to myself how utterly useless they--cell phones--are to me; but afterall, isn't that how the cell phone industry makes its money, by making the cell phone into something the consumer needs and convincing the consumer that he or she needs it? Alarm clock, planner, calendar, camera, clothes accessorize-r, etc,. Soon cell phones will be planning our 3 course meals. Of course, I do not judge the people who HAVE phones. These are just my thoughts.

Oddly enough, I do not feel naked driving around town without a cell phone when before I was so cell phone dependent.

Yup, something is in the air.

Bye bye sex toys...

After years of experiencing sex toys--some store bought and some being home devices--I have decided to throw away all of my self love toys! It was a hard decision, but something I had to do for me. As I write this blog, my hormones are raging; yet I must say that I support my decision to throw away all 4 or 5 of my toys. Something is completely sexy and even primitive about letting my hormones rage instead of giving them short term gratification with a piece of vibrating plastic. I swear to you, Audience, I even feel sexier with all this pent up sexual energy. Why did I do this to myself? Am I a glutton for punishment and sexual pain? Am I a sadomasochist punishing myself with vibrator abstinence? Not really.

It's been about 2 weeks............................................

Quite frankly, I got tired of the self induced orgasms (this coming from a woman who used to give herself 13 orgasms a day). It got old real quick. The process was the same, day in and day (or two) out: think a few dirty thoughts, get the toys out, experiment, buzz, thrust, orgasm, repeat cycle. Sometimes the dirty thoughts weren't even necessary (mainly because there was no one to think about). At the end of each session, I was left with this strange emptiness and longing.

After sitting, journaling, and thinking on the topic for awhile, I realized that this void I was feeling at the end of these masturbatory sessions was a longing for the human element I was trying to replicate with my dildos and vibrators: true, deep connection, something my toys could not offer me.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against masturbation. Unlike many in the church or the world, I do not demonize masturbation as something unnatural, sick, or immoral. I believe it is very human, something that--whether we all like it or not--all of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. For some children, masturbation starts as early as 2 or 3. Is that child less loved by God? I will let the church in all its religiousity deal with that one.

Masturbation does not promise me companionship or the end of that craving for love or true sexual fulfillment. Self love fulfills its purpose, holding me over until my next sexual craving or teaching me something new about my body; but masturbation does have the potential to leave the self lover with a craving for more, something deeper, more long term, and just plain REAL. For me, that particular longing is for companionship, relationship, sexual, emotional and even spiritual reciprocation. Isn't that what sex is supposed to be?

Yes.

When I read books on the Eastern view of sex, I read about a type of sex that is connection based first and physical last. I will be doing a review on a book called "Tantra" but in its pages is a representation of a type of sex that is so beautiful, so simple...something I believe is lacking in our fast food, microwave, one night stand culture. Sex, according to "Tantra" is about connecting on all levels--the spiritual, emotional, and physical level. It is about communication, or communion, on all levels, becoming one.

It is hard for me to feel "one-ness" with a piece of plastic in which I am in control, which brings me to my next reason for throwing the toys out: I am always in control.

Part of what makes sex so interesting is the unpredictability of it. One does not know what one's partner will do, how they will move, how they will react. It is all a beautiful mystery. No matter how spontaneous I try to make masturbating, it is still predictable because I am in control. Yawn.

In short, although my hormones are raging and I am minutes from humping my door, I am so glad to be done with the toys. Yes I have stepped into my share of adult stores with friends, but the desire to buy a toy for myself is non-existent. My soul, and yes, even my spirit--for those of you in the Christian crowd--cries out for something much deeper, much richer. Maybe this is exactly the place where the Creator wants me to be, no condemnation, no deep spiritual answer, just an acknowledgment that masturbation--at the end of the day--does not fulfill.

Interesting thought for the day: According to some Jews, if a male masturbates, he is breaking the law because he is wasting his seed as did Onan in the Old Testament or the Tanakh; however, female masturbation is neither smiled at nor frowned upon yet not expressly forbidden. Hmmmm.... For more information on THAT, please visit: www.jewfaq.org

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What's REALLY going through your mind?

Dedicated: To all the real folks, who can admit that not all of their thoughts are pure and holy.

Restlessness. Love. Sex. Broken promises. Being led on for a year. Raw. Scorpio.
Emotional Chaos. Losing keys. Imbalance. Deep yearnings.
Finding Keys. Rejoicing. The hope of things coming together for the good.
Money. Cats. Stinking kitty litter. My favorite four legged stalkers laying outside my door. Flatulence.
Love. Making love. Wondering if anyone will ever truly reach the depths of my soul. The concept of a soul mate. Is it for everyone?
Learning. Spiritual growth. Sex. Sensual fantasies. My book(s). What tomorrow may bring. Tossing and turning.
Money. A new part-time job. How could he want marriage and babies for a year and do nothing?
Healing. Lack of great sex. Celibacy. Singleness. Determination. Throwing away sex toys = a very horny girl.
Tears of sadness. Peace. God collecting every one of my tears. Compassion.
Moving on and moving forward. Forgetting the past. Sadomasochism. Domination. Bedroom. Handcuffs.
Missing what could have been. Looking forward to what could be. Emotional confusion. Be real about the sexual being you are and stop hiding behind religion and the church: God knows and understands. Mercy. Liberation. Passion.
More tears, but a knowing that things will look up. Bills. Nosey family.

These are my thoughts.

You better have good credit

I received this email from a recruiter in regards to a TEMPORARY 1.5 month short term position.

"Offers for employment with *** are contingent based on results of the following: *Criminal History Check (federal/state/local) last 7 years *Credit Check cannot have “3” or more accounts past due totaling 3K or more. Example, if you have one past due account in the amount of 50K, or two in the amount of 100K, you will pass. If you have three accounts with more than 3K past due, you will not pass. *Education Verification –highest level completed *Employment Verification – last 7 years *Drug Screening (Hair tests for all employees, Urine tests will be offered in states where Hair testing is illegal – Maine, Hawaii + Iowa). *SSN Verification* *Denied Parties Check List*"

While I know I will pass this background check, I am disgusted that these jobs even have the gall to tell potential employees that if their credit is messed up, they may be out of a job. It is a never ending cycle. The better paying jobs typically do a background and credit check, and if one is qualified but has bad credit, well it sucks to be him or her now, doesn't it? This hypothetical person who is qualified but has bad credit will have to settle for a job paying less money a year. Let's just hope said person can pay their bills, which--if they cannot--will mess up their credit even further. Get the gist?

I believe this practice should be illegal and I am definitely going to write my congressman and everyone above him about this matter. With the economy the way it is, credit checks should not be a determining factor for whether a man or woman (or he/she for that matter) is deemed "hireable". Credit check for a house, car, or credit card? Maybe. Credit check for a job? No.

I will be writing a congressman and anyone above this congressman about this crap, because it is ridiculous. I urge anyone who agrees to follow suit.

~

The sex section is shrinking...

About two weeks ago, I ventured into Barnes & Nobles--my favorite hang out spot--in search of some good literature on two of my favorite subjects: slavery/freedom and sex. While I was not disappointed in the History section which had tons of literature on slavery world wide, I was disappointed in their sex section: one shelf, about 30 books, and lots of bare shelf space.

I just knew I was mistaken, and went to a B&N worker to further inquire about the sex section, only to discover that the singular shelf was all Barnes & Nobles "wrote" in terms of the Sexuality section. In other words, that was it. Not only was the Sexuality section only one shelf, but only the front section was filled. The backside of the shelf focused on Sex Addiction.

I'm not sure if it is because I am originally from a more liberal state--Washington--or if it is because Barnes & Nobles has just cut down on the amount of books in their sex section, but I was highly annoyed and disappointed. My disappointment led me to look at what they had available, and the book "The Kosher Sutra" caught my attention.

Having read and been impressed with "Kosher Sex," and being a Christian of sorts, I could not wait to see what the Rabbi had to say about sex and possibly about Kama Sutra practices or Tantric Sex, two sexual ideologies I wished to be more learned in. To my dismay, there was only 1 chapter in the book that differed from the ideas of its predecessor. This chapter discussed how Kabballah and Eastern religions viewed sex based on the connection of the individuals and also the worship of the female body and mind during sex as opposed to its western counterparts version of sex which focused on a more genital sexual experience.

Just as the Eastern religions recognize and worship the feminine in their religious practices, in sex the male should submit himself to and almost worship the more feminine part of sex: foreplay, prolonged desire, teasing, connection and most importantly, that sex for the woman begins in her mind. To miss out on these aspects is to miss out on giving the woman true pleasure. Rabbi Schmuley touches on Tantric Sexual Practices, suggesting that couples tease and arouse each other over a prolonged period of time instead of going from foreplay to sex in one session. Desire deferred makes for better sex for both parties in the long run, according to Schmuley. While the above information and chapter very informative, I found myself returning this book a day or two later. I thought to myself "the other chapters were a repeat of 'Kosher Sex.'"

I would suggest buying this book at a discount or checking it out at the library until a decision is made about whether the book is worth the buy. The hard copy is more expensive, and unfortunately the only version of the book that I've seen available. You can buy the book at a discounted price at websites like (www.amazon.com).

New Years Resolutions

Yes, yes I know...the person who said she would never make resolutions is making some, but mine are simple. This year, I feel, will be based on balance and peace. I will continue to work on the following things:

finding the balance in all things
not being judgmental
working on health
decreasing chaos and increasing peace
not taking on more than my body, mind, or spirit can bear.

I was guilty of saying "yes" when I meant no. When someone wanted me to call them, wanted me to lend a listening ear, in the past I would say yes out of a sense of obligation. For the past few months, I have cut this practice out. Quite frankly, sometimes listening to peoples issues is stressful, especially if their lives are full of stress, chaos, or repetitive cycles and there is no GROWTH. Listening to it, whether I realized it or not, took a toll on my mind and spirit. This New Year, I will continue to guard my spirit and mind. If I don't do it, no one else will.

I have been becoming a fan of balance. This past year, I realized that there is much more to life than marriage. Being single AND alone (because you can be single, but not alone) is OK. I have heard some extremes in the past few months: that marriage is a thing of the flesh, that men are evil, that there is nothing to live for. I do not agree with any of these thoughts. Marriage is a blessing from God, men can be beautiful depending on their upbringing and will to be good men, and life is what you MAKE IT! I am at a place where I don't have patience for extreme views or negativity. It weighs down my spirit.

Wisdom, silence, and peace have also been key for me. I want to set the record straight for many of you I haven't called in awhile. For me, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I really don't have much to say. It is nothing personal at all. I am just listening more and speaking less, and depending on what is being said, I may not want to listen.

Of course my health is important. My blood pressure has gone down, and I will be doing my best to work out and continue eating good foods for my body. With friends and support like T and S, this will not be hard to keep up.

I am also realizing that so much of life is about the choices we make, and that no matter how good and well intentioned my advice may be, it does not mean that it will be received or that people will act on the advice given. Sometimes good advice falls on deaf ears. I refuse to repeat myself this year. For this reason I am convinced that my cell phone being off was a blessing in disguise.

All in all, I am excited for this new year, what it brings. God is WONDERFUL and BALANCED! I seek daily to become more like Him.

Happy New Year!

Independence day

I've got this blog under "Parties and Nightlife" for a reason. I went to the most amazing party yesterday. I'm sure, when one thinks of me--young, piercings, crazy as hell--that one thinks of some sort of lounge mixer shindig; but really that is far from the sort of party I went to.

Last night, I hung out with a friend of my mom's, Suzanne, and her friends. Suzanne is an American citizen, but has deep Irish roots. She is by far one of the sweetest, most giving people I know. She reminds me of a sweet Irish mom or grandmother, always seeking to give and feed and care for. Her house is amazing, and--according to my sister--could easily sell for over a million dollars. It's a beautiful house, tucked away on a hill, hidden from society, cottage-esque. The insides are beautiful, rich, earthy colors: dark green walls, dark cherry wood flooring, white trimm to make the green walls pop, Irish family tree, little Gaelic sayings posted throughout the house. It almost feels like in Hobbiton in a strange way. It's like having Ireland in the United States everytime I go over there. I've decided to make 4th of July at Suzannes' my tradition.

Suzanne is a beautiful lady with childlike innocence. Deeply Irish Catholic, loving as all hell. I have her to thank for my obsession with all things Disney. I told her that we needed to take a trip to Disneyland one of these days, and she smiled. I could not stop hugging her all evening. Thinking about her, and the feeling in that house, brings tears to my eyes, proof of an attachment deeper than words can express.

What I love the most about her parties is that there are classy but laid back people who attend. Her parties consists of few people--about 10 this year, which is HUGE--from all different walks of life, but all well off and/or successful. Last night, I met Bubbleman (http://www.bubbleman.com/). He used to be a breathing therapist, a physical therapist, a teacher; and then he found his true calling making bubbles and smiles and sharing proper breathing techniques throughout. We shared stories, laughs, music, and jokes all evening. He also gave me a beautiful, yet very deep tip: "you're an artist, so find your craft and start living it." He is a big believer in not going with the status quo, finding the true gifts and callings, and living life to the fullest. I'm there.

God has me sitting and resting right now. I really feel as if He is wanting me to sit still, be content in my current situation, and wait for His timing on the dreams he has put inside of me, waiting for direction. I'm doing a lot of self discovery, though some of the discovery I will say is probably not what He's had in mind. I have not been on my best behavior as of late. It's amazing, God still chooses to use me, drawing all people to him through me. Bubbleman was one, another woman at the party sat next to me and we ended up talking about God, religion, and the balance needed when trying to understand both. Another sweet man was there and bonded with me right away. His accent told me that he was from Ireland (and he was). He sat with me too, sharing some stories, making me Pimm's (drink popular in Ireland and England), sharing his wisdom and culture with us. Toward the end of the evening he said "you'll make it over there soon" and winked at me. I smiled.

It was a simple, yet beautiful evening. I shared a beautiful, yet tasteful, nude that I'd taken of myself with the women (including my mother) who all thought it was beautiful. It's a sideview of me, no aereola showing, just side curves. I eventually want to have it painted. The view yeilded at least three different firework shows as we all sat out on the porch, laughing, drinking, talking and eating. Bubbleman and I sat, oo-ing and aaa-ing at all the beautiful colors. He is a man, completely straight, who loves rich, vibrant colors: the reds, pinks, blues, greens and all the in betweens. He is an artist in a different way and a nomad--he's been all over the world--and we vibed because of it. From our corner, all you could hear were high fives, laughter, snickering at the inside jokes, and him joking about how I must have the whole world in my phone with how often I text (lol).

I was the youngest person there, and yet my age was not important. I was around people who were on my level--cultured, globe trotters, adventurers, world conscious--all succesful in their own way, which might be telling of my own future success(?). I was at home. Not a one of them cared for Bush, which I thought was funny due to the fact that most people associate rich white people with ultra-conservative political views. My being the only black dot (at first) was never an issue, due to the fact that I didn't allow it to be. I came in, sat by myself at first--all smiles, peace, and laughter--comfortable in my own skin.

Feelings of inferiority around other races or cultures is in large part due to the individuals problem and not the onlookers. One is only inferior when one allows others to make one feel inferior. I live by this, and where most of my people would come into a place where they are the only black dot and would feel a little "squeemish," I waltz in like I'm right at home and sit in my corner, completely comfortable with myself; which--in turn--draws people in. Suzanne made a comment: "that girl is at home where-ever she rests. She reminds me of my father." What I do owe to my own father is that he never allowed his children to feel inferior around other races of people or my own. He also brought home an international flare, constantly watching cricket and other sports atypical of our own American sports. My not allowing others to make me feel inferior is something I find intrigues even the most racist person, and can make my own people deal with their insecurities and misjudge me as a snob, which I've become comfortable with over the years. At this party, maybe I should have been uncomfortable, being the only black dot for awhile. I wasn't. Where-ever God is, I'm home, and He dwells in me.

Toward the end of the evening, we all said our goodbyes--with a few people telling me that I need to visit their homes, which I will definitely consider--and helped Suzanne clean up. I took one last walk around the house, saying my goodbyes to it, and left, regretfully. I can't wait for next year.

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